i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
