I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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