i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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