dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
