Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
