Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
