Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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