you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
