She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
