Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
