Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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