I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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