Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
