Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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