like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
