it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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