??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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