My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
