im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
