omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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