8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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