I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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