I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Randomize
