life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Randomize
