I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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