My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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