My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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