my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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