I want to have your abortion
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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