I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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