The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
