you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
