We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
