So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
