I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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