Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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