yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She needs sedatives and a leash
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
