If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Is it because I queefed?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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