I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
