Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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