Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
