I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
