The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize