I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
