i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
