If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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