I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
