it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
