It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
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This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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