im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
