god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
