did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
