Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
