She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
