walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
