I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
