I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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