I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
