just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
